A quick update since I haven’t blogged for a long time. OK, almost a year! I’ve posted more on my Instagram account since ease of posting there fits into my busy life. But today I thought I should write as I sit drinking my latte after starting Couch to 5K once again. Today is another restart day in my weight loss journey, and let me tell you, it’s something I must do.
Throughout the almost six years of my journey, I’ve had to begin over again many times. And here I am, days after celebrating my 50th birthday, realizing that I have to do it again. I can’t shake the weight I’ve gained this year and I’m embarrassed and humiliated. Those emotions overwhelm me and I feel like I can’t get out of this pit of shame and hopelessness. My head knows I can especially when I look back at where I was when I took control of my physical and mental health. I was in the worst shape of my life and I worked my way out.
No, I’m not at the bottom or anywhere near where I was in the beginning of my journey, but it feels that way. I hated how I looked in my birthday celebration photos. The joy was there from spending an evening with amazing friends, but the plumper face and lumpy body was not one I wanted to see. But I’m glad I saw it. The scale tells me my weight, but photos are a better gauge for me.
Another marker of my decreased health is my lack of exercise. After my lackluster half-marathon performance last June, I must admit I lost the love of running. I didn’t know if I would find it again. I have found it here and there, but living in a cold weather climate with unexpected snow played havoc on my plans to restart my running program. Is it time to find something else?
It might be, but not today. This morning I reloaded my Couch to 5K program and went to my local park to begin Week 1, Day 1 of the program. I didn’t let 30 degree weather or daylight savings stop me. While I felt a little silly at first starting at the beginning, I’m glad I did. I felt better physically and mentally after the first running interval. It was a powerful reminder of how far I’ve come and that I can work to get back to my best athletic self. It will take a ton of work, but if I can work through this weather and my self-doubts, it will be worth out.
And let’s not forget about eating. Exercise doesn’t “fix” weight gain although for me, it goes hand in hand with a healthier lifestyle. I’ve been lax about snacking. It’s easier to grab a sugary snack for energy and comfort during stressful moments. I have to be more mindful of what I’m doing. This will be the hardest part of my restart as relying on food is easier for me than dealing with my anxiety and stress. I plan to focus on better food choices, but also remind myself that a slip up doesn’t mean I get to give up. I can’t let making a bad food choice as an excuse to forget my healthy eating habits for the rest of the day.
While I’m embarrassed, frustrated and disappointed in myself, I can’t let it keep me from trying once again to find the healthy woman that exists inside me. While this year has been one of weight gain and less exercise, I am proud of other accomplishments like my commitment to my creative writing career. Perhaps it’s my milestone birthday that is pushing me to focus on my heath, but in any case I am proud that I am finally admitting I need address my issues. Restarting is never easy, but I know it’s better than returning to an unhealthy lifestyle. It’s one foot in front of the other as I begin once again to go back Down the Scale.