I think I’ve been pretty honest throughout the past four years of my gastric sleeve blog that I have control issues. Obviously I do since I’ve had weight issues all my life. Weight gain isn’t necessarily all about control; for me it’s an emotional issue more than anything. While I am doing better dealing with my emotions, this past weekend I was the poster child for epic meltdowns. It wasn’t pretty and I’m fortunate that I’ve kept my family and friends who experienced it. Now that I’m over it, I’m ready to tackle my control issues or rather learn to deal with what I can’t control.
First, let me say, I lead a charmed life. When I share my “woe is me” and self-pity episodes, I’m pretty embarrassed. I realize how fortunate I am to have a loving family, supportive friends, and the ability to lead the life I have. When things go wrong though, I tend to forget all the good things in my life. I focus on what’s going wrong or what I can’t have or what I can’t control. Yes, my chest-heaving sobs and dark moods make me a lovely person to be with.
Finally, I pulled myself from this self-pity abyss and began to focus on the good in my life and the positive changes that are happening and will happen. It seems pretty silly that I love change, but when I’m not in control of some changes, I, for a lack of better words, freak out. It was when I was singing this verse from one of my favorite Foo Fighters song, “Saint Cecilia,” that I stopped to think how true this is for me:
“I know no matter what I say
Days will come and go
No matter what I say
Nothing’s set in stone
No matter what I say
Days go by”
What I mean by these lyrics is that I tend to think I can change things even when I can’t. While my head understands there are things out of my control, I still want to control them. But what I finally started to come to terms with this past week is that yes, “days will come and go, no matter what I say.” Time is going to pass no matter what, so it’s up to me on how I live. I can dwell on the negative or appreciate the positive.
No, I’m not saying I’m going to be Little Miss Sunshine all the time. I don’t think that’s truly possible and I think it would be unbelievably stressful to try to be perky all the time. But I know I’m happier and healthier when I focus on the positive and not the negative. I’m a better wife, mother, friend, and human being when I focus on the good in my world.
If you’re wondering what this has to do with my weight loss journey, I’ll tell you that it has everything to do with it. Mental health goes hand in hand with physical health. My head tells me that I should control my weight if I can’t control other things, but for me it doesn’t work that way. I let everything go when I feel out of control, especially eating. Sugar made a comeback this weekend. The instant gratification of sugar left so quickly and I still had my anger and sadness and now guilt was added to the list of negative feelings I felt.
Now that I’m done “mourning” what I can’t control, I’m working very hard on remaining positive and thinking about what I can control, or at least, be happy about what is going right. I’m taking charge of my goals and working toward them. One of the ways I’m doing this is by communicating what I need from the people in my life. No one can help you if you don’t tell people what you need. So far, no one in my life is psychic, so I need to actually say the words and not assume or hope my needs and desires are understood.
I’m running more often and I feel better every time I do it. My training sessions are very helpful and by adding more running to my week, I feel even more invigorated and happy. Being exhausted after a workout helps me feel in control and I believe it relieves me of much of my anxiety and stress.
After my sugar binge this weekend, I’m back to eating mindfully and making better choices. My elimination diet showed me that almonds aren’t good for me. My doctor told me that people who are sensitive to almonds can experience more anxiety and after eating them twice, I found that to be true for me. I know that eating healthier foods and avoiding foods like sugar and almonds which make me anxious and guilty, I am more in control of my body and mind.
So, here I go on my continuing journey trying to be the healthiest person I can be. It’s not always pretty, but all in all, it’s a very good life that I have the privilege of leading. I’m thankful I have the opportunity to make the changes I want to make, but more importantly I am thankful that I’m learning to handle the changes I can’t make. Days will come and go and I plan to keep them going Down the Scale…