Tag Archives: Exercise

Have You Given Up?

Jen February 2018

“You wouldn’t have done that before.” My husband said this to me this weekend as we explored a new place in our new home state. He was right. Before gastric sleeve surgery, I would never have tried to walk along a narrow ledge for fear of falling. I would have given up. The post-surgery me tries new things and doesn’t give up!

“Have you given up?”

One of the cheerleaders in my life, N., asked me that the other day. She called in response to my “woe is me” texts of late.

“Well, no, I haven’t.”

“OK then.”

Sometimes it’s the simplest questions that lead to the most profound answers. While I haven’t accomplished the goals I made for January, I’m not giving up.

I set two goals in January: to lose weight and finish the first draft of my mystery novel. I’ve lost about a pound, but nothing earth shattering and not the eight pounds I planned to lose. My first draft of my novel is nowhere near done although I finally wrote the first murder (these are things that make mystery writers very happy).

February appeared and the feelings of failure came with it. Failure provokes such strong emotions in me. I tend to let it drag me down. I berate myself for my lack of accomplishments. I wonder if I can really do what I set out to do. Doubt becomes the prevalent emotion in my life.

I generally pull myself out of these funks, but it was N.’s words that really resonated with me this time. Well, no, I haven’t given up! Why would I? Sure I’m behind on my goals, but there are reasonable goals. The time frame wasn’t right this time. Needing more time is not a bad thing; it’s definitely not the reason to give up.

I’ve decided to let up on setting time related goals. Somethings do need time frames, like my training for my July half-marathon. You can’t cram training into a month before a race. Well, I guess you could, but I’m not that crazy. So I am running three days a week and I start my formal training in a week.

I am determined to lose more weight this year, but I’m not going to put a deadline on it. I know what to do. I’ve been on this weight loss journey for almost five years now. One of the many lessons I’ve learned it that there will always be ups and downs. Both literally and figuratively. The scale is one of those literal ups and downs, but truth be said, I don’t need a scale to tell me about weight loss. I can feel it in my clothes, in my body, and in my head. Eating poorly and exercising less are a bad combination for me and I know it.

My other goal of finishing my first draft continues. Some days writing comes easy and other days it’s like pulling teeth without Novocaine. I was so focused on finishing the draft that I lost a bit of my motivation and my love of writing. So I’ve stepped back and started writing out-of-order when I’m stuck. Sometimes getting to the finish line means taking a meandering path. For someone like me who adores structure and order, this is a bit awkward. I’m learning it’s OK to do things differently than I have before. Shaking things up is working and I feel like my novel is back on track.

February plans are to keep exercising, eat healthy meals, and write whether it’s hard or easy. No time frames this time for me. I plan to focus on the process, not the end. There is joy in doing well and being happy, not just in finishing.

So back to my original answer, no I’m not giving up. Not now, not ever. I plan to keep trying as I continue my journey in going Down the Scale….


2018:  The Back to Resolutions Year

Back to Running 2018

I survived my first run of 2018! It great felt to get back to running: a top resolution for the new year! Looking for to my recommitment to running and my weight loss journey!


For the past few years, I didn’t make any resolutions.  As I mentioned back in 2015, I decided not to make them as I always felt they set me up for failure.  I made re-commitments instead.  Now that it’s 2018 and I’m looking back, I don’t believe there is much difference between the words.  Sometimes you just need to change the words you use in your life to make things seem easier or different.  For me in 2018, it will be “The Back to Resolutions Year.”

So why the change of heart this year?  Well, I am embarrassed to admit it, but 2017 was a year without concrete personal goals.  Yes, I did accomplish many goals last year such as

  • Moving my family from one state to another and then to another town all in nine months.  There are so many smaller accomplishments under this list, but the fact that we’re happy and feel settled in our new hometown is all I need to say.
  • I learned that I can run without walking for over a mile at a time.  I finally got over my fear that I couldn’t run without stopping.  I still have a much to do, but the fact I can do it is thrilling.
  • I lived through an elimination diet and actually learned a few facts about nutrition that I use to this day.  I learned that almonds trigger an allergic reaction and that I can live with less sugar in food.  And I still make some of the recipes I learned that month.  Meatloaf is still my kids favorite recipe.
  • I started my first mystery novel.  This book has been floating around in my brain and heart for so many years, but in 2017 I finally started to put it down on paper.

Now that I’m writing down my accomplishments of 2017, I’m feeling pretty good!  While I’m happy with what I’ve done, there are goals I’ve slacked on.  These include:

  • I haven’t lost any weight this year.  And as much as I hate to write this, I know I have actually gained weight.  I don’t need a scale to tell me this. Tighter clothes, less exercise and a lack of desire to do it, and a general feel of “blah” are all I need to show me that my lack of focus have caused me to gain weight.
  • While I started off 2017 with a trainer and a dedicated workout schedule, once we moved to our second home, I gave up.  I ran occasionally and did a few weight workouts, but nothing like the serious schedule I followed in the beginning of the year.
  • My mystery novel is perhaps a third of the way done, but I could be farther along if I had set aside the time to work on it.

And now I’m depressed about the lack of accomplishments.  And that’s OK. I feel it’s important to be honest about the good as well as the bad going on in my life.  Honesty in my blog and in my day-to-day life is what has kept me going on my weight loss journey since 2013. Of course I’d rather share the positives than the negatives, but it wouldn’t make me an honest person.  I’m not looking or wanting to present myself as this perfect example of a gastric sleeve surgery patient and someone who has an easy time with food and living a consistent healthy lifestyle.  I am far from perfect.

Now that I’ve told you the good and bad of last year, what am I planning to do this year?  Yes, the part about resolutions.  Before I share my list of goals, I want to tell you one of the most important part of setting resolutions for me is PUTTING IT ON THE CALENDAR.

I’m not yelling at you, but I feel it’s an essential part of my 2018 plans.  I’ve learned that if I don’t put an activity on the calendar, I don’t take it seriously.  I put everything on the calendar for my kids and hubby.  I make sure everyone’s activities are noted so we don’t forget them.  Sure, I’ve put my appointments on the calendar, but not my exercise or writing time. It’s changing this year. Here are the resolutions on the calendar this year:

  • My running schedule is posted three days a week, every week until my half-marathon in July.  One thing I’ve really missed from living in California is running races on a regular basis.  Fortunately I have made wonderful friends in our new hometown who decided running a half-marathon this year would be a great idea!  I am thrilled to have a new running goal for this year, but also for the encouragement and support of local friends.  
  • My writing schedule is on the calendar for five days a week.  I had a hard time setting up that repeating event.  As a stay-at-home mom, I feel guilty setting this much time aside.  My amazing ever-supportive husband insisted I make the time to write though.  I always feel like I should be doing other things like laundry and dishes during my writing time, but I generally don’t produce my best writing when I multitask.  As I somewhat obsessive multitasker, this is one of the hardest goals to strive for this year.  

So far these are the two new year’s resolutions I’ve put on the calendar.  I’m contemplating others like meal prep and cooking days; reading books; yoga; and other positive self-care activities.  I think it might be a bit overwhelming to put all of this on the calendar.  Can you imagine all the calendar alerts I would get in a day?!  

Instead I believe that by setting two of my most important and attainable goals, exercise and writing, it will naturally lead me to make other important goals a priority in my life.  So whether I call it a recommitment or resolution, I am thankful I have the support and encouragement of my family and friends to keep making positive and healthy living a priority.  I look forward to a healthy, happy year as I refocus on my goals so I can continue to go Down the Scale…

Dress For Success: Warrior Clothing



This view was my reward for running a mile this morning.  Putting on my “warrior clothes” and making the time to exercise is an important part of my continued success on my weight loss journey.  Keeping healthy physically and mentally should always be a priority!

As usual this morning, I came up with a ton of excuses not to run. You know, the usual list of chores like laundry, cleaning, paying bills, and putting the house back together after a busy week. There is always something, but today I ignored the list for a bit and put on my workout clothes. They’re also known as my warrior outfit. There is something about my sturdy black leggings, my “dri-fit” black running shirt covering my favorite industrial strength sports bra, and my Spanx-like underwear that makes me feel strong. Rounding out my outfit with my cheerful purple running shoes and comfy socks, I knew I was ready for my run.

There are all those annoyingly clichéd sayings like “dress for success” and “dress for the job you want”, but they are true. When I put on my running clothes I know I’ve made a commitment to exercising whether it’s for 20 minutes or an hour. Even if I’m feeling lumpy and bumpy, exhausted and stressed, I have made a promise that I will do something that’s good for me.

Today’s run was my only other one during this second week of school for my kids, so I felt a bit rusty. I started the run by going downhill and while in some ways that felt like cheating, it helped me get in the mood. New music from the Foo Fighters inspired me to pick up the pace as I reached the bottom of the hill.

When I was getting dressed this morning, I told myself I just had to go one mile. Whether it was the help of going downhill, the new music or my warrior outfit, I did it without stopping like I did this winter with my trainer. Since I’ve moved, I don’t have a trainer, but now that I’m working out again, I keep what she taught me in my head. Not only did she teach me proper running form, she gave me the confidence to trust my body.

I gaged a mile from house to be along the water and when I heard the mile marker ding of my running program, I saw the beautiful water in front of me. The peaceful Pacific Northwest scenery greeted me as I walked onto the shoreline and checked my watch. While it wasn’t my fastest mile, it was a mile and I was happy with that. Completing what I set out to do was enough reward; pace and distance will come back in time.

So as silly as it may sound, putting on my workout clothes got me going this morning. I ran a great mile and walked uphill another mile and I took in the comfortable Fall weather as well as the peaceful scenery of my new hometown. Starting out the day in such a positive way is just what I needed. It was a good reminder that I can fit in exercise no matter what I need to do that day. It’s OK for the dishes and laundry to get done later. It reminds me that part of my job is to keep myself healthy and sane. If I’m not healthy, both physically and mentally, I’m no good to myself or anyone else.

Whether it’s a 15 minute walk or miles of running, it’s important for me to prioritize physical fitness in my life. Time to put on my warrior clothes as much as possible so I can keep happy and healthy and continue to go Down the Scale…

Time to Go for the Distance

First 5K 2017

Here I am enjoying my margarita at the end of my first 5K race of 2017. Running is one of the best results of gastric sleeve surgery! My weight loss journey continues with more runs this year.

When did I become a running snob? It was this past Saturday. Perhaps snob is too strong a word, but after running my first 5K race of the year, I learned that I actually take running more seriously than I thought. It’s just another one of the many surprises I’ve experienced in my four-year weight loss journey.

After last year’s Tinker Bell Half Marathon, I took a step back on running long distances. The mental and physical exhaustion from training was part of the reason. Lacking a new goal was another. I’m the type of woman who needs goals and I didn’t come up with a running goal for a while.

After a crazy year of moving and settling into a new state, in January I finally got serious about exercise again. To improve my running, I began working with a personal trainer. While my main goal was to increase my running pace, the focus was on building my strength and endurance through weights and speed drills. Yes, it is working! I’ve cut almost three minutes off my average pace and I can run for at least a mile without stopping. Success!

What I don’t feel successful with is my endurance. Yes, I can run for almost a mile whereas before I would do intervals as in run then walk, run than walk exclusively. I can run for a mile or so, but then at about mile one and a half, I start to slow down or go back to intervals. I know this is my brain playing tricks on me. I’m pretty sure I can run longer than that. It’s time to break through this mental barrier and run longer distances.

My plan was to do this at my first 5K of 2017. I should have known by the name “Margarita Madness 5K Run/Walk” that there wouldn’t be an emphasis on running. When I saw the lines of people buying margaritas before the race began, I mistakenly thought that as a sober runner I would fly through the course. I was wrong.

A few things kept me from running the whole race. Sure, I could blame the participants who were more concerned about spilling their drinks through the asphalt and trail course. I could point my finger at the people who were walking three or four across the path. I could blame the lack of racing etiquette: walkers on the right, runners to the left, and only pass on the left. I could use the surprising heat and sun as another reason.

Sure, these are all good excuses, but I know I’m fighting a mental game. My head still hasn’t grasped the fact that I can run longer. All the work I’ve put into strengthening my body and improving my pace needs to be put to good use. Time to go the distance. Time to believe in my training. Time to just do it.

Today is Global Running Day so it seems appropriate that I go out there and run the best run I can. I’m not planning on running any crazy distances, but I know I can run for more than a mile without stopping. That is my only goal. No, actually my other goals are to have fun and appreciate the fact that four years after gastric sleeve surgery, I am a runner. My plan today is to enjoy the unusual warm and sunny weather of the Pacific North West with a peaceful and positive run. Here’s to believing I can go the distance while I continue to go Down the Scale…

Really, No One is Watching

Getting ready for another work out session! I never thought I would wear a tank top to exercise in, but here I am almost four years after gastric sleeve surgery wearing one! Living a healthy lifestyle is the best change I made!

What is it about exercising in groups that makes me so self-conscious?  It’s not so much a problem in classes like spin where everyone is on their own bike so it doesn’t matter if you’re slow or uncoordinated.  Unless you fall off the bike or perhaps sing too loud to the music, no one cares or notices what you’re doing.  You’re not keeping anyone from advancing or slowing down the group when you’re in spin class.

Other exercise classes are a different story.  Or at least that was my preconceived notion before I did a boot camp class today.  Most of my fears and concerns were gone by the end of class.  First, I managed to do all the stations without passing out. I did however text a friend before class to remind her that she was in charge of picking out a good photo for my obituary should I die from either exertion or embarrassment.  Fortunately I did neither and I was once again reminded that exercising is about me, not anyone else.

Today’s class was my first group weight training class in about ten years. When my children were little, the YMCA was a godsend with its childcare so I tried out classes even though I was obese.  I was proud of myself for participating, albeit slowly and clumsily, until one fateful day.  A perky girl, who I could only think thought she was being helpful by cheerfully rushing up to me after class said, “Wow, good for you!  You’re doing this class.”  My dumbfounded and angry face must have given her the impression she should just back away slowly.  As if I didn’t say to myself every class, “It’s OK you’re the only fat mom in here, just keep trying.  No one cares.”  From that day on, every time I took that class I thought that people must feel sad for the fat chick in the class.  It was devastating, but I did keep going.

Here I am almost four years out from my gastric sleeve surgery and I must admit I’m still self-conscious about my body. Oh, I’m in the best shape of my adult life and I exercise regularly including running, but the “fat chick” in my head likes to make herself known from time to time.  My personal training sessions have boosted my confidence tremendously, but they will be ending soon.  I realized it was time to try out a group class to keep working on strength training.

I’m very lucky that my personal trainer also teaches the boot camp I did today.  I was reassured that she would make sure my form was good when she could.  When I walked into class I realized that it was made of women of all shapes, sizes, and athletic ability.  No, I wasn’t the skinniest woman in the room, but I fit in just fine.  But you know what?  It didn’t matter what I looked like or what I could do because no one cares!  Now, I don’t mean that in a malicious way as in people are uncaring, what I mean is that everyone is there to do their best.  It’s not a fashion show or a competition.  This boot camp was all about people doing their personal best.

Was I awkward, uncoordinated, and insecure?  You betcha!  I was also determined, strong, and proud.  Sure, my lunges were slow, but I rocked it on the TRX bands.  As I moved from station to station, I became more comfortable and relaxed.  In no time, the session was over and I did everything.  I assume everyone else did, but I didn’t notice.  This time was about me and what I could do.  And thankfully no one came up to me commenting about my abilities, weight or the fact I was even in the class.

But if someone had said something to me, I would have been irritated, but I would have brushed it off.  I am proud of what I can do and I am not focusing on my weaknesses when I exercise.  I’m working hard to be this way in all aspects of my life.  I’m taking one giant step, or rather lunge, forward to being positive mentally and physically!

Next time, you’re thinking of trying something new or even an activity you stopped doing due to insecurity, I hope you’ll do it.  One of the positive things that has come out of my weight loss journey is my confidence to try new and old things.  I want to live a life that is full of hope and happiness and how I get there is all up to me.  While no one might notice what I’m doing to get there, the results of living a healthy life are clear I think, especially as I continue to go Down the Scale…

Days Will Come and Go…Down the Scale…

As corny as this may sound, I am thankful to have my ever-supportive hubby by my side as I swing through my weight loss journey! Through the ups and downs, he is always by my side as I navigate my new life since my gastric sleeve surgery.

I think I’ve been pretty honest throughout the past four years of my gastric sleeve blog that I have control issues.  Obviously I do since I’ve had weight issues all my life. Weight gain isn’t necessarily all about control; for me it’s an emotional issue more than anything.  While I am doing better dealing with my emotions, this past weekend I was the poster child for epic meltdowns.  It wasn’t pretty and I’m fortunate that I’ve kept my family and friends who experienced it.  Now that I’m over it, I’m ready to tackle my control issues or rather learn to deal with what I can’t control.

First, let me say, I lead a charmed life.  When I share my “woe is me” and self-pity episodes, I’m pretty embarrassed.  I realize how fortunate I am to have a loving family, supportive friends, and the ability to lead the life I have.   When things go wrong though, I tend to forget all the good things in my life.  I focus on what’s going wrong or what I can’t have or what I can’t control.  Yes, my chest-heaving sobs and dark moods make me a lovely person to be with.

Finally, I pulled myself from this self-pity abyss and began to focus on the good in my life and the positive changes that are happening and will happen.  It seems pretty silly that I love change, but when I’m not in control of some changes, I, for a lack of better words, freak out.  It was when I was singing this verse from one of my favorite Foo Fighters song, “Saint Cecilia,” that I stopped to think how true this is for me:

“I know no matter what I say

Days will come and go

No matter what I say

Nothing’s set in stone

No matter what I say

Days go by”

What I mean by these lyrics is that I tend to think I can change things even when I can’t.  While my head understands there are things out of my control, I still want to control them.  But what I finally started to come to terms with this past week is that yes, “days will come and go, no matter what I say.”  Time is going to pass no matter what, so it’s up to me on how I live.  I can dwell on the negative or appreciate the positive.

No, I’m not saying I’m going to be Little Miss Sunshine all the time.  I don’t think that’s truly possible and I think it would be unbelievably stressful to try to be perky all the time.  But I know I’m happier and healthier when I focus on the positive and not the negative.  I’m a better wife, mother, friend, and human being when I focus on the good in my world.

If you’re wondering what this has to do with my weight loss journey, I’ll tell you that it has everything to do with it.  Mental health goes hand in hand with physical health.  My head tells me that I should control my weight if I can’t control other things, but for me it doesn’t work that way.  I let everything go when I feel out of control, especially eating.  Sugar made a comeback this weekend.  The instant gratification of sugar left so quickly and I still had my anger and sadness and now guilt was added to the list of negative feelings I felt.  

Now that I’m done “mourning” what I can’t control, I’m working very hard on remaining positive and thinking about what I can control, or at least, be happy about what is going right.  I’m taking charge of my goals and working toward them.  One of the ways I’m doing this is by communicating what I need from the people in my life.  No one can help you if you don’t tell people what you need.  So far, no one in my life is psychic, so I need to actually say the words and not assume or hope my needs and desires are understood.

I’m running more often and I feel better every time I do it.  My training sessions are very helpful and by adding more running to my week, I feel even more invigorated and happy.  Being exhausted after a workout helps me feel in control and I believe it relieves me of much of my anxiety and stress.

After my sugar binge this weekend, I’m back to eating mindfully and making better choices.  My elimination diet showed me that almonds aren’t good for me.  My doctor told me that people who are sensitive to almonds can experience more anxiety and after eating them twice, I found that to be true for me.  I know that eating healthier foods and avoiding foods like sugar and almonds which make me anxious and guilty, I am more in control of my body and mind.

So, here I go on my continuing journey trying to be the healthiest person I can be.  It’s not always pretty, but all in all, it’s a very good life that I have the privilege of leading.  I’m thankful I have the opportunity to make the changes I want to make, but more importantly I am thankful that I’m learning to handle the changes I can’t make.  Days will come and go and I plan to keep them going Down the Scale…

Training My Body and Mind…

Working Out TRX

Here I am learning to trust my body and mind using the TRX bands! Working with a personal trainer is keeping me going on my weight loss journey!

“You’re not going to drop yourself. Just lean back.”

These were the words my trainer, H., said to me casually as we used the TRX bands for the first time. For those asking what in the world are TRX bands, they are straps attached to a wall or pole used for different exercises. H. wanted me to grasp the straps with my arms extended, then walk my feet under and then lower my body backwards. Next all I needed to do was pull myself up and down. Easy right? Just let my body lean back while I depend on my upper body and core muscles to hold my body weight.

I’m not saying this is an impossible exercise, but it was more about my trust issues with my body than the ease of the task. Even though it’s been almost four years since my gastric sleeve surgery, from time to time I still think of myself as being the overweight woman who can’t do anything athletic. While I’ve been running even before my surgery and I do call myself a runner, my head and heart sometimes have a hard time believing I can perform certain exercises. Working with my trainer is proving to me that I can do more than I think I can.

I initially contacted H. for personal training so I can be a better runner. It turns out what I really need was to develop my over all strength, especially my core muscles. From what I gather, everything originates from your core muscles. After my two c-sections and my constant weight gain/loss cycles, I hadn’t thought much about my midsection. Once I lost the weight and then couldn’t run because of my hernia, I did start to have an inkling that I needed to take care of my abdomen.

So here I am, two years later, thinking about my core muscles again. While I don’t have the extra three and a half pounds of skin hanging down from my stomach and my muscles were surgically tightened, I still don’t trust myself all the time. My body is in the best shape of my adult life, but I don’t always think I can do things. One of the greatest benefits of working with a trainer one on one is that you discover you can do things. There is no hiding out in the back of a group class! H. is there to teach me, guide me, and push me. And even though she must be half my age, she does it in such a positive, but no-nonsense way that I always want to try whatever exercise she is teaching me. Yes, I’m paying her, but I’m happy to let her be in charge. Even when I want to give up, I know she has my best interest at heart. And she won’t let me die, I’m sure!

One of the important lessons I’ve learned so far is about “muscle memory.” H. watched me run during our first session and commented that my form was good, so we need to work on muscle memory among other things. I needed to get my body used to working harder for longer periods of time. My muscles needed to learn what it was like to work harder so I can improve my pace and distance. While I know this is true about my body, it made me think that my head also needs this “muscle memory.”

What I mean by this is that for me exercising is not just about improving my muscles and overall strength, but also about improving my mindset. If my brain doesn’t believe I can run faster or lift weights, my body isn’t going to either. While I’m working on building muscle memory, just as importantly, I’m developing a new mindset. Yes, I can run faster. Yes, I can hold a plank longer. Yes, I can hold myself up on TRX bands and do rows!

My personal training sessions are another reminder that my weight loss journey is not just about my body, but my brain. I need to eat heathy, exercise and maintain a positive outlook in order to be in the best shape physically. While my training sessions are improving my body, they also help improve my confidence. I’m looking forward to more muscle memory for my body and mind as I keep going Down the Scale…