Tag Archives: Fat

I’m an Imposter and I’m Owning it!

JentheImposter

Yes, I’m Jen the Imposter. Not for long though as I’m back on track with my weight loss journey!

Yes, I said it. I am an imposter. At least that’s how I feel these days. I feel fat. I feel defeated. I feel I’m heading on up the scale, not down the scale. I am lost, frustrated and terrified.

Mostly I feel this way because of the dreaded scale. Of course I’ve said in the past that the scale is not the end all, be all in weight loss success. I can’t deny it’s importance in keeping track of my health and right now I’m four and half pounds above my weight window. At least that’s the number that’s in my head. I haven’t entered it in the My Fitness Pal program for the past two weeks since it doesn’t count if it’s not written down, right?

Before my gastric sleeve surgery, a gain of five pounds didn’t mean much. What was another five pounds on an obese body? Now that I’ve lost 100+ pounds, five pounds means more. It means I have the start of a muffin top and my breasts feel a little bigger. I can still fit in my clothes so that’s a relief, but I’m sure another pound could make my jeans tight and my bra tighter. Pudgy and doughy are good for pastry, but not on my body! Especially in light of all the work I did to get to this place.

So I’ve felt like a fake thin person for the past two weeks. While on the outside I think I look the same as before this five-pound gain, but on the inside I don’t. I feel like a fake healthy person. I started eating more protein bars and the scale is showing the results. So I stopped buying them and what did I do, but start eating my kids’ protein bars. Sigh. Bars are out in this house as well as bread for me. A bagel and cream cheese here, a slice of peanut butter toast there is not something I can handle these days. Time to own that face and step back from the carbs.

Even though I’m almost two years out from my surgery, I am very fortunate to have the support, encouragement and compliments from my family and friends. For the past two weeks it’s felt so wrong to say “Yes, I’ve lost 100+ pounds.” to people when in fact it’s only 97.5 pounds these days. I feel like such a liar.

But you know what, I’ve finally realized that we’re all imposters at some point in our lives. We all put on masks and act like who we’re supposed to be either to our community or to ourselves. Sometimes things just go off course or just plain wrong. I think it’s important to be who you want to be and need to be, but if you mess up, it’s really OK. Deep down, I know I’m not a failure. I have accomplished a lot and it’s fine to fail from time to time. It’s coming back from the failures that help define who you are.

So, yes, right now I may feel like a weight loss fake. And technically I am since I’ve gained weight and I let my exercise and eating habits go to hell for the past few weeks. But you know what…I’m going to own it. Yes, I’ve screwed up like I’ve done in the past, but this time is different. I now know that I can be successful. I’ve maintained my weight loss since July 2014 and that’s damn impressive! I can do it again if I really, really try. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Thanks for letting me share my failures of the past few weeks. If you see me with a bagel, feel free to gently remind me to put it down. Or actually feel free to slap it out of my hand. Perhaps it’s time for some tough love to get me to the next stage of my weight loss journey. Time to build up my strength, pride and accountability as I go back Down the Scale….

Food, Glorious Food…Really!

My babies and I waiting to explore the city.  Walking helps to work off the fantastic cuisine of New Orleans!

My babies and I waiting to explore the city. Walking helps to work off the fantastic cuisine of New Orléans!

Welcome back to Down the Scale! I neglected my blogging duties for the past month, but my weight loss journey still continues! I must say this has been one of my favorite summers. My family and I enjoyed fun activities around town and across the country. Swimming, sight-seeing, relaxing and eating were some of the great activities we indulged in this summer. Yes, I did say eating! I didn’t think enjoying food would be part of my life when I had gastric sleeve surgery over a year ago. I was wrong and a trip to New Orléans showed me how eating out can be a positive part of my life.

After San Francisco, New Orléans is my favorite city. It is full of history, architecture, charm and amazing cuisine. Even though I don’t like shellfish, I love the other types of food New Orléans is known for like beignets, gumbo, jambalaya, pralines and of course a variety of alcoholic beverages. In my past visits, I never worried about what or how much food I consumed. This trip, I knew I couldn’t eat with wild abandon. First, my small stomach prohibits me from eating too much. Second, I didn’t want to gain too much weight. I say “too much” because I knew I would gain weight as I would be eating food higher in fat and sugar than I normally do now. And yes, I’m up a pound and a half since vacation, but I anticipated that and I’m back to eating normally.

So I was excited to visit New Orléans, but I wondered if I would enjoy the food like I did in the past. My first test was breakfast. Cafe Beignet was close to our hotel and I went by myself to pick those hot, fluffy, doughy, sugary pillows of goodness called beignets. I stood in line behind other tourists (do locals eat them, I wonder?), anticipating the first bite, but also wondering would I still enjoy them. With my small stomach, would I even be able to eat much of it? Would the sugar and fat make me feel sick?

Simply put, the answer was no. I took my first bite of beignet and smiled. It tasted just as I remembered. No, it tasted better. Now that I eat healthier, which not only means better food, but eating slower, I truly enjoyed that beignet. I didn’t rush to eat it so I could get to the next one. I savored each bite of the beignet I ate. And yes, I only ate one of these delightful treats. I was full after eating one physically, but also mentally. I finally feel like I’ve learned that eating smaller amounts of food is just as satisfying as stuffing myself. My new body shape and the feeling of health I now have confirm that.

Yes, my guilty pleasure!  Cafe au lait and beignets!  I am so happy I was able to enjoy a bit of these New Orleans treats!

Yes, my guilty pleasure! Cafe au lait and beignets! I am so happy I was able to enjoy a bit of these New Orléans treats!

The rest of our vacation in New Orléans went this way. I enjoyed all my favorites, just in small amounts. Rice fills me up quickly, so I could only eat a bit of jambalaya, but it was worth it. I will admit to missing Muffulettas.   The bread is just too much for me, so a bite of my husband’s sandwich was all I could enjoy. He was kind enough to share it with me and I was kind enough to share my food with him and the rest of my family. I generally share all my dishes when we go out to eat, and even at home. I just can’t eat all the food restaurants serve.

Besides food, New Orléans is known for alcohol. I still drink since my surgery, but I am now a lightweight. One drink, maybe two is my limit. Yes, I’m a cheap date. I can’t eat and drink at the same time (liquids can push the food down too fast and it really doesn’t feel good either), so the New Orléans tradition of “to go cups.” was wonderful. I could order a drink and take it with me as we walked off our fantastic meals.

Our vacation to New Orléans will go down as my favorite. I really love the city and this time we also enjoyed the company of some of our East Coast family. We enjoyed all the typical vacation activities and it definitely included food. I am thrilled that I can still enjoy food, but with a more positive attitude. Eating is definitely different for me now and I am proud of how I handle eating out now. I look forward to more vacations and now I know they can still include eating out and I can still go Down the Scale…

One and a Half Pounds of Physical and Emotional Weight…

My first new dress in my weight loss journey!  And high heels too!  It was nice to feel confidant and comfortable wearing this on a "moms night out" evening.

My first new dress in my weight loss journey! And high heels too! It was nice to feel confidant and comfortable wearing this on a “moms night out” evening.

It’s hard to believe it has been 49 weeks since I had my gastric sleeve surgery. My total is 94.5 pounds which is good, but I have this one and a half pounds that keeps me going up and down the scale.  It’s not just physical weight, but emotional weight that is frustrating me. I have come to realize that emotional baggage can be as damaging and painful as the actually physical pounds.

I don’t want to be “Debbie Downer” completely. Physically I’m in pretty decent shape. I am still 17.5 pounds away from my goal, but my practical side thinks that’s OK. My perfectionist side is disappointed that I’m not at goal and that I haven’t lost 100 pounds. I know I look better as shown by the photo I’ve posted. I went to a moms night out and felt great. But you know even when I looked at a lovely photo of me with a few other moms, my first thought was “I’m the fattest woman in the picture.” Sigh. I need to get those thoughts out of my head. I worry that I will always think of myself as the “fat chick” even though I know I look “normal.”

So how am I going to get myself out of this “fat” mentality? Well, first I am going to take care of myself physically. I have an abdominal hernia from my c-sections that didn’t bother me in the past. I assume all the fat I carried around was supporting my muscles before, but now I am in pain from the hernia. I had to stop running because of the pain and I think it is keeping me from progressing in my weight loss.  It is also keeping me from the mental relief I get from running. I am trying to put the guilt of the time and financial burden this causes my family in the back of my mind. It isn’t easy, but I do have an appointment with my weight loss surgeon who can also fix this hernia next month. I promised myself that I will take care of this so I can move forward with my weight loss.

Another important promise I made myself was to get help mentally with the struggles I face as I lose weight. Part of the pre-surgery requirements was to be evaluated by a therapist. I felt very comfortable with the one I met and a few weeks I reached out to her for an appointment. Not being able to shove my feelings down with food has brought out higher levels of stress that I thought possible. I realized I need a professional to help me learn to cope with my stress in other ways besides eating. I have come too far in this journey to regain this weight. Mental and physical health go hand in hand and I need to focus on both. I hope to find a healthy and positive way to move forward.

So here I am at the crossroads. I’ve come so far yet I realize I will always be on this journey. Some days I don’t believe I deserve to spend this much time on me. The guilt of focusing on me haunts me. And while most of the time I feel supported by my family and friends, some times I still feel alone. But then I realize, if I don’t think I’m worth the trouble, how can they?

Yes, it’s time to get refocused on my journey and learn to appreciate the beautiful and amazing things that have happened. But I know it’s OK to admit defeat and reach out for help. Going Down the Scale (and yes, sometimes up) is full of drama, depression and chaos, but it is also beautiful, inspiring and full of hope. I look  forward to working toward hope…