Tag Archives: Goals

“Just Keeping Swimming” and Other Water Metaphors

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here at Down the Scale. I guess I’ve been waiting for some big weight loss or outstanding accomplishment to share. Well, I’m still waiting.

The past few months have been stressful for a variety of reasons and my 10 pound weight gain from the holidays is still here. It’s as if I haven’t thrown out my Christmas tree and it’s taunting me with its brown needles and limp branches. I just haven’t been able to get over the “hump” and get back to losing weight. What’s a girl to do?

12 Mile Training Run

Here I am at mile 2 of my 12 mile training run for my first half-marathon next month. When I had my gastric sleeve surgery 3 years ago, I never imagined I would be able to run this far! Running is my anchor!

This girl did a few things! First I’m admitting to the world that my jeans are tight, I’m still snacking (albeit on better foods than the holidays) and that I’m scared. I’m terrified of going back to the “old” me: the overweight, unmotivated about my health kind of person that I was most of my life. Yes, I’m admitting this on my blog, but the first person I really admitted it to was my therapist.

I’ve talked about going to therapy in many of my blog posts and once again, I can’t stress the importance of having a professional to talk to about weight loss, stress and basically anything else in life you need to talk about! I went to see my therapist about everything going on and told her I just can’t get back on track. “How do I do it?”, I asked. And she just said, “You’re here now. This is your starting point.” Why, yes, yes it is!

So we talked about my struggles with food and then exercise came up. I told her that I’m training for my first half-marathon in May. Her eyes opened wide and she said that was great! I shared that running is the one thing I have been able to stick to during these stressful months. She said, “Running is your anchor.”

That phrase is now one of my mottos as it pretty much sums up one of the most important aspects of my weight loss journey. Whether I’m running slow or even walking, I’m moving my body. My time to run is all about me. It’s my time to exercise, but more importantly it clears my head. I use that time to listen to music, to daydream and to get out the tension in my body and soul. Whether my run is short or long, I always feel better afterwards.

Talking about running with my therapist helped me get a little perspective on my journey. At this time last year I was prepping for my longest race, a 10K. This weekend I’m running a 10 mile race and then in less than a month I’m running 13.1 miles! I will proudly toot my own horn and say that it’s pretty awesome!

So running is my anchor, but what do I do next? In the poignant words of Dory, “Just keep swimming.” In my case, swimming means taking care of myself. I feel like I’ve been treading water, so to speak, and that’s OK. Well, it’s OK for a while. Eventually you have to swim or you’ll sink; you can’t tread water forever.

I’ve focused on these 10 pounds and it’s been more stressful than helpful. While I need to get them off so that I feel better and so that my clothes fit better, I think I need to approach it a different way. I’ve got to find a balance of being more aware of my eating habits without obsessing about them. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. It’s something for me to figure out. I don’t want to live my life obsessed with a number, but I don’t want to go back to not caring about it either.

Back into the weight loss pool I go! I think I have enough water metaphors to help me get back on track to the healthy person I know I can be. It’s been almost 3 years since my gastric sleeve surgery and I’ve kept off about 90 pounds! Sometimes you just need a reminder of where you’ve been, both good and bad, to get you back on course. Here I am, diving back into the waters of weight loss and more importantly, health, at Down the Scale….

A Good Reminder?

Normally when you get a letter from the DMV stating you can renew your license either online or by mail, you jump for joy.  I can’t think of anyone who enjoys waiting in those long, endless lines at the DMV.  So when I received my letter, there shouldn’t have been a doubt that I would avoid the DMV, but I haven’t renewed it just yet.  It’s all because of this photo:

Here is my driver license photo from 2011, pre-gastric sleeve surgery. Not a bad photo except for the extra 100 pounds I weighed!

Here is my driver license photo from 2011, pre-gastric sleeve surgery. Not a bad photo except for the extra 100 pounds I weighed!

 

This is me from 2011.  It’s obviously pre-gastric sleeve surgery.  It’s actually not a bad photo except for the extra 100 pounds I was carrying.  I can avoid the hells of the DMV and just live with this photo another five years.  So why am I even contemplating renewing my license in person?

Of course, it’s all about the photo.  It’s an upsetting reminder of the literal and psychological weight I was carrying.  Sometimes I forgot who I was back then.  I have many friends tell me that they just think of me as I am now:  healthy and happy, not the obese woman who hid so many painful feelings.  And on a practical note, it causes delays when I present this ID at the airport or for any type of verification.  I get a few raised eyebrows when I give my ID to someone, but I’ve just learned to smile and say I’ve lost weight to keep the line moving.

A new photo will represent the new me. The healthier and happier me.  I would say a new picture would show the person I am striving to be:  the woman who does her best to be treat her body and mind with the respect and nurture she needs.  I will always be a work in progress, but I think my current photos show me as the person I want to be and not just an obese woman.  Because let’s face it, when you look at a picture of someone who is obese, most people notice the obesity first, if they can even look past it.

Besides avoiding the DMV, why would I consider keeping this photo? Well, it’s a good reminder of how far I’ve come.  Yes, I am proud of my success, but honestly, I struggle every single day with food.  I am embarrassed to say I’m still struggling with the holiday weight gain.  I’m letting stress and fear get in my way.  I am working on it through exercise, positive reflection, more mindful eating, and a bit of good old-fashioned prayer.  Looking at my driver’s license photo is tangible proof of my success.  More importantly it’s a reminder of where I’ve been and gives me the encouragement to continue focusing on my weight loss journey.

I have about a week to decide if I should keep my current license photo or go get a new one.  Any thoughts, my readers?  One of the greatest parts of my journey is the encouragement and advice I receive from my friends, family and blog community.  I would love your opinions as I think about braving the DMV and continuing to go Down the Scale…

Lack of Anticipation….

Here we are in mid-January and I have to say I’m not doing as well getting back to my heathy lifestyle. Oh, it’s not like I’ve gone back to my pre-surgery habits, but I haven’t gone back to my pre-holiday habits either. The Christmas break lackadaisical way of eating is more in play than I’d like to admit. I’m back to nonfat lattes, but sugary snacks are finding their way into my pudgier than I would like belly. What to do, what to do….

For the past few weeks I’ve tried to think of how to get back on track. For some strange reason I thought of Helen Mirren in the movie Gosford Park. (Spoiler alert!) My heart broke when her character, Mrs. Wilson, explains how she knew her son was going to try to kill his father. It’s because she’s a good servant who can anticipate the needs of those she serves. She knows what they need before they do.

The Tinker Bell Half Marathon is keeping me motivated to maintain my post gastric sleeve lifestyle!

The Tinker Bell Half Marathon is keeping me motivated to maintain my post gastric sleeve lifestyle!

Now, I’m not putting on the martyr hat and declaring myself a servant. Although when my adorable children yell down the hall for a new roll of toilet paper that is within their reach, I feel like Cinderella, and I don’t mean the glass slippers version. What I relate to is Mrs. Wilson being able to anticipate other people’s needs when it’s clear she is subverting her own.

Again, I’m not being melodramatic and saying my needs aren’t important. If that was the case I would never have started my Down the Scale journey. What I’ve noticed is that I’m not anticipating my own needs. I always try (but admittedly don’t always succeed) to be there for my family and friends. I try to be as helpful and prepared for them as I can be. When I’m not prepared for my own needs, though, life is harder than it should be.

For example, I’m always a bit sad after the holidays. I love the break and spending time with my ever-supportive hubby and sweet kids, but I miss the East Coast and my family back there. January means back to demanding schedules and early, dark evenings and with El Niño it means lots and lots of rain.

I should be prepared for this and find ways to combat the post-holiday blues since this happens every year. Instead I let myself keep to my erratic eating and exercising habits. In December I should anticipate my upcoming funk and make a plan of action.

Even though I missed planning ahead, I still can change my mindset. Yes, I’m suffering from East Coast homesickness, but I’m working on summer plans to visit our families. Anticipating a trip always makes me feel better.

The biggest and most useful preparation I can make is to have better food choices, so when I get the January blues, I’m not using food to numb my feelings. All the holiday treats are now out of the house. While low-fat cherry Greek yogurt isn’t the same as peppermint bark, it’s a better choice. No more peppermint mochas, just nonfat lattes.

I’m not sure why I didn’t think about my two upcoming Disneyland trips to help combat my post holiday depression. First is a family trip which is one of the happiest trips my family makes each year. It’s one of the fun and silliest times with my Disney crazy family! And I want to be at my healthiest because there will be lots of walking and I want to look good for my annual photo with Thor. Or maybe Captain America this year.

Then there is my first half marathon in May. I am nervous but I’m excited to complete this big goal in my weight loss journey. Training is tough, but deep down I know I can do it. I am now following a training schedule which is easy to follow and fits into my schedule. I also bought new running shoes and a running raincoat is on order so I can run even in the rain.

While I can’t fix my rough start this year, I hope this revelation will stick in my mind as the year progresses. There is the winter slump, the sugar crash post-Easter, the first wearing of the bathing suit and the mid-summer “how do I keep my kids from fighting anymore blues”, just to name a few events.

My plan is to prepare my head, heart and pantry for these upcoming challenging times. Since I don’t have Helen Mirren anticipating my needs, it’s up to me. Being responsible for myself is the best thing I can do as I continue to go Down the Scale.

No to Resolutions. Yes to Re-Commitments

Yes, I’m saying no once again to New Year’s resolutions just as I did last year. As I shared last January, I feel like they set me up for failure. Why should the start of a new year require me to set goals? Of course I make goals all year long like running a half-marathon and decluttering my home. Instead of resolutions I decided to recommit myself to my weight loss/healthy living goals. It all started with resizing my rings.

Here I am with my properly fitting rings to start off the new year!

Here I am with my properly fitting rings to start off the new year!

What do rings and recommitment have to do with a healthy life? For me, resizing my wedding and engagement rings were the final piece of my weight loss metamorphosis. My big, loose rings were the last physical reminder of my obese life. I admit it was nice to have a reminder of how far I’ve come over the past few years since my gastric sleeve surgery. The rings spinning around on my slim fingers said to me, “See, you did it!”

But there was a part of me that was scared to have them permanently resized. I’ve lost and gained more weight in my lifetime than I can count, so thinking of myself at this weight permanently was daunting. No, it was frightening.

So for the past few years I put off doing it, which is really silly considering if I need to adjust my rings I could do it. For full disclosure, these aren’t even my original rings. I had my engagement ring reset to a different shade of gold and the wedding ring is a new one I needed when I gained my pregnancy weight the first time around. So even with that in mind, I still thought of the act of resizing my rings as the final commitment to my new life as a healthy woman.

Finally, I took my rings to the jewelery store. It was fitting that my friend, N., who was instrumental in me starting my journey three years ago, came with me. I slipped off my rings and handed them to jeweler who looked a bit confused by the size of them. I went from a size 8 ½ to a 5. Yes, even fingers lose weight! As I proudly shared my story with him, I knew I was doing the right thing.

I did panic though when I picked the rings up a few weeks later. They felt tight and restrictive. My face must have given away my fear as the jeweler told me to come back if they felt too tight. It reminded me of the day after my surgery, when I struggled to sip water and felt panicked about my decision. No one likes to second guess themselves.

No, I didn’t take them back. I would say they’ve loosened up, but I think it’s me who’s loosened up. It’s great to have rings that fit properly. And that’s how I feel about my healthy life now. It’s the right fit. I can’t imagine not being the person I am today. Sure, I still want to lose a few more pounds, run faster and handle stress better. I think most people are always striving to improve a little, or a lot. I know that I am healthier and happier than I’ve ever been in my life.

2016 is not the start of new resolutions, but a recommitment to the positive and healthy changes I made years ago. My perfectly fitting rings symbolize not only my commitment to my ever-supportive husband and the family we created, but to myself. They are a good reminder of the best commitments I choose. I will continue my commitments this year as I keep going Down the Scale…

Another Item Off the To Do List

Everyone must have a list. I’m sure I’m not the only one who made one when I decided to have gastric sleeve surgery. It’s the “When I’m Thin” list. Well, I’ve changed it to the “When I’m Heathly” list, but the list is still the same:

  1. Buy clothes in a “regular” store.
  2. Become a runner
  3. Go on the rides at Disneyland without worrying if I’ll fit in them
  4. Ice Skate
My first time ice skating in over 20 years! Loved every minute of it!

My first time ice skating in over 20 years! Loved every minute of it!

Fortunately I stared working on my list before I hit my weight loss goal as I found doing these things made me happier. And this in turn made me healthier! Two and half years later, there was only one thing left on my first list: ice skating. Over the Thanksgiving holiday I finally crossed it off my list.

So, why ice skating, you ask? I used to ice skate as a child. I even took lessons for a bit. I don’t recall why I stopped, but my guess is I ran out of babysitting money and confidence. Most likely it was confidence. I was always overweight and unsure of my body, so I imagine I gave up once the lessons became more difficult.

The last time I went skating was in college. My obesity kept me from many activities as an adult and no matter how fun it looked, I wouldn’t go ice skating. Every November when the outdoor ice rinks go up, I would look at them with sadness. The thought of my fat self falling and not being able to get back up was too much to bear. When you’re obese, being humiliated in public is a huge fear. At least it was for me. I’ve been at a “normal” weight for a while, but I was still scared to try to skate.

“Mom, please can we go ice skating this year?!”

This is what finally made me decide to cross ice skating off my list. My two children have asked for years to go skating. Really, I had no excuses to give them. When I run a race, my mantra is “all you have to do is finish”, so I revised it to “all you have to do is try” for ice skating.

It was the first time my kids were ice skating, so I wanted it to be a positive experience for them. I told them that they would fall, it would be cold, but all they had to do was get back up and keep trying. I repeated this in my head until I took my first step on the ice.

Jack, Jill and I clutched the wall on our first turn around the outdoor ice rink. It was scary trying to glide forward on those thin blades, but it came back to me. Call it muscle memory or just plain old memory, but I started to skate. I held on to the wall for another two or three times around the rink, but I finally decided to let go. “If I fall, I fall,” I reassured myself. I wasn’t the scared, unsure obese girl, but a healthy, confident woman who could survive the humiliation of falling. And really, it wouldn’t be humiliating…I would be like any other person trying to skate!

Well, I didn’t fall once I’m proud to say. I was prepared for it, but I skated forward and backwards even! I was wobbly at times, but I didn’t care. It was wonderful to glide on the ice and just have fun. It was one of those genuinely happy moments.

What made it even better was that I was experiencing this with my kids. We skated together and we skated apart. Watching my children try something new reminded me of when they were babies learning new skills. Here I was helping them find their footing, but more importantly, their confidence, on the ice. I am forever thankful that I can share these experiences with my babies.

I thought we would only stay for 30 minutes, but we stayed for the whole 90 minute session. When both kids asked if we could go again, I knew it was a successful day!

My first step on the ice made the day successful for me, though. Each time I skated around the rink, I realized this day was more than crossing an item off my to do list. This day was a reminder of how much I have changed since I started my “Down the Scale” journey. I am more confident, happier and braver. And when I fail, I know it’s OK because I’m not perfect. Life isn’t perfect. The only thing that is perfect is living life to its fullest. I’ve learned not to let anything, anyone (especially myself) keep me from trying to do my best. So from eating better to trying new activities, I am enjoying my healthy life. And that will be on the top of my to do list, each and every day.

The End of Summer and New Fall Goals…

I did it!  I signed up for my first half marathon!  I hope Disneyland and Tinker Bell will be ready for me next year!

I did it! I signed up for my first half marathon! I hope Disneyland and Tinker Bell will be ready for me next year!

Summer is ending and I, for one, am relieved. This summer has been more difficult on many levels than past ones. My usually adorable children have fought about everything and anything. My ever supportive husband works from home two days a week so in the summer he gets to experience the kids’ fights along with my nonexistent patience all day long. My long list of summer goals including decluttering the house, writing my Down the Scale book and losing more weight are still glaring at me from my to-do list. Sigh…

Now, I’m not saying the summer was completely bad. We managed to have some wonderful family time on vacation. We’re all still in one piece, but I think we’re all looking forward to heading back to a routine that includes time away from each other. I think the school year provides structure, time with our friends and an appreciation for the time we do have with each other.

For me, it is a time to refocus on my personal goals. I still haven’t been on the scale, but I know the weight that creeped up on me in the Spring is still there along with another pound or two. My clothes still fit, but not like they have in the past. I know what caused this: random snacking. Whether the kids and I were home or out and about, it was easy to grab a snack without thinking about it. Mindless eating has always been my downfall. Although I do have a smaller stomach from my gastric sleeve surgery, once my stomach empties out, I have room for more food. I really hate keeping a food journal, but I must admit, it might be time to start one again.

Managing my stress is always one of my personal goals and this Fall it will be no different. My children will have completely different schedules so life will be changing again. I know it always works out, but until we come up with a working schedule, I worry. Since I’m a stay-at-home mom, I feel extra pressure to make their lives and our entire family’s schedule seamless. If this is my only job, I should do it really well, right? But then I remind myself that no one is perfect at any job, right? Right?

To help me manage my stress, I realized I need to increase my physical activity. As a former sedentary woman, it still seems strange to tell myself to go for a run to feel better. But it works every single time. Even if it’s more of a walk than a run, I never regret going out to exercise.

So to help me refocus on my exercising goals, I signed up for my first half-marathon. Umm, isn’t that adding more stress by setting up a huge goal like running 13.1 miles?! Well, in theory it should be, but I’ve decided that it is a positive goal for me in many, many ways. How so? Let me share:

*I’m a goal oriented person, so having a goal like this helps me focus on what is important to achieve success. And by success, I mean my own version of success. Just finishing the marathon is success to me. My finish time is not important; finishing is important.

*I’m the kind of woman who likes to have something to look forward to. Knowing that I will have a girls weekend in May at Disneyland will get me through the days when I’m overwhelmed. Thinking about that upcoming break from reality will get me through the stressful days.

*This goal is all about me! This isn’t about my role as a mother or wife or friend or family member. I can’t control everything about myself in these roles. I admit I’m not particularly good in these roles from time to time, but thankfully I have understanding people in my life. I can control, though, how I handle this goal. It’s up to me to train properly, eat right and pick out the perfect race day outfit.

Time to say goodbye to Summer and put my disappointment and unfulfilled goals aside. I have new goals to work on so there is no time for regret. My Fall goals will still include decluttering the house, working on my book and losing weight, but now I’ve added running a half-marathon to the list. I know that adding this running goal will help me with my other aspirations. Running helps me lose weight, but more importantly it clears my mind and lessens my stress. I look forward to running toward my half-marathon goal and running Down the Scale…

Running Toward New Challenges

I’m the kind of woman who needs new goals. They can be small ones like getting my kids to put away their dirty dishes to big ones like maintaining my weight loss. I thrive on new challenges, especially when it comes to running. From new places to run to different types of races, I’m always searching for the next big thing to keep me motivated and inspired. This past Sunday I tried a new type of race and it was just what I needed to keep me going on my weight loss journey.

Not my best time for a 5K, but for my first trail run, I'll take it!  Running is one of the best things to come out of my gastric sleeve surgery journey!

Not my best time for a 5K, but for my first trail run, I’ll take it! Running is one of the best things to come out of my gastric sleeve surgery journey!

A few months ago, I received an email about the Double Adventure Run. It’s an 8K race, but split into two parts. First you run a 5K, take about an hour break and then run a 3K. This one took place at Land’s End which is full of trails by the Pacific Ocean with incredible views including my beloved Golden Gate Bridge. I knew this distance was doable as I’ve done a bit of trail running and I did a 10K in April. This seemed like the perfect challenge, especially when my 11-year-old son, Jack, asked to join me.

Jack and I arrived early at Land’s End on race day. If you’ve ever participated in a running event, you know about the energy in the air. This was a small race of less than 200 runners, but it was still exciting. I’ve found many runners to be very friendly and encouraging, especially when you have a child with you. We chatted with other runners and took our pre-race photos in this scenic locale.

I’d love to say we ran the race together, but I can’t keep up with my athletic son. Jack tried to go to the front of the starting line, but I made him go to the back with me. Pacing is not in his vocabulary just yet, so I knew he would start trying to keep up with the master runners. As a soccer player, he’s used to sprinting and I have to remind him that 5K races are a different type of running. This wasn’t his first 5K, but he did the first one with a friend so they paced each other.

My obliging son did start the race with me. We were only about a quarter of a mile in when he batted those big blue/gray eyes at me and politely asked if he could go ahead. I wasn’t finished saying “OK” before he grinned and went running ahead. As much as I wanted him to run with me, I knew I had to let him go. He knew to stay on the race path and wait for me at the end. Part of me hoped I would catch up to him, but I was doubtful.

And my doubts were correct when I came to the first 100 step staircase. I knew I wouldn’t see Jack until the end as I huffed and puffed up the stairs. The 5K race started nicely downhill and then up a relatively easy incline, but this beautiful park is full of evil, killer stairs. I’ve walked and run a bit through Land’s End before, but when you’re in race mode it’s three times as hard. Fortunately the other runners around me seemed to feel the same way. There was a feeling of struggle and determination in the air along with a lot of heavy breathing. This mixed with the salt air and sweat made this race unique to say the least.

After this first staircase I realized I wouldn’t be able to have a PR (personal record) for this 5K part of the race. I begrudgingly told myself this was OK. This was my first real trail race with hills and staircases. This 5K would be the new baseline for trail races I decided so I pushed through to the end.

Here is my amazing son running to finish the 5K portion of our 8K race.  He inspires and motivates me with his athletic abilities!

Here is my amazing son running to finish the 5K part of our 8K race. He inspires and motivates me with his athletic abilities!

Running to the finish line, I finally saw Jack. Nothing made me happier than seeing his smiling face! He finished 11 ½ minutes before me and I was proud for both of us. Jack said he chatted with other runners throughout the race and one particular runner recommended he try to pace himself. He said he tried to after she talked with him. I just smiled at him instead of saying “I told you so!” Sometimes being a parent means keeping your mouth shut.

We weren’t done yet! It was halftime, so to speak. We had about an hour to rest, stretch, hydrate and dance to “Shake it Off” about 10 times before the 3K race. I really enjoyed this time to hang out with my son. We talked with other runners, many of whom congratulated Jack. I love races that have such a positive spirit. While it is a competition I’ve found everyone to be encouraging to each other.

I must admit it was hard to get pumped up for the second race even though it was only a 3K. (OK, I never thought I would say “just a 3K” ever in my life!). It’s a bit strange to think about racing again after a break, but once we start lining up, the race energy got me going.

As before, Jack went off on his own. This is the time I wished I brought my headphones. I didn’t plan to run with music like I normally do since I would be with Jack. Silly mommy, thinking her baby would run with her! I can’t say I completely enjoyed running without music, but it was a good experience. It was such a beautiful place to run that I really took in the views as I ran. I’m sure it was a safer way to run through the narrow dirt paths and up the steep stairs too. But sometimes when you’re slowing down, having the Foo Fighters sing loudly in your ears motivates you to pick up the pace.

While I didn’t particularly run a fast pace during the 3K, I finished with a smile on my face and received a big hug from Jack. I need to start bribing my husband and daughter to come to these races just so I have them waiting for me at the end. Nothing is better than having the people you love waiting for you to complete another challenge. So my little runner finished with a total combined time of 49:51 and his momma finished with 1:09. Would we do it again? You betcha! Splitting the race into two parts was difficult, but fun. Trail running is such a great change from road races and I plan to do more.

Every race I do gives me more things to work on like running more hills and increasing my pace. Finding the motivation to keep active and heathy is sometimes hard, but for me, finding new challenges is helping me as I head into year two of my weight loss journey. I plan to keep on running Down the Scale for a long, long time…

Here we are after running our first 8K race!  I'm looking forward to sharing more runs with my son!

Here we are after running our first 8K race! I’m looking forward to sharing more runs with my son!

Taking a Break from the Numbers

Lately it feels like the song “Under Pressure” is the soundtrack to my weight loss journey. My weight is up a few pounds. My running pace is slow. I ate a lot of sugary and fatty foods while on an out-of-town trip. My to-do list is longer than the hours in the day. The pressure to get everything done along with losing weight is overwhelming at times. It’s so daunting some days that I don’t feel like giving much, if any, effort.

Here I am running on the Golden Gate Bridge for fun, not for speed or distance!  My 100+ pound weight loss sure makes it easier and fun to exercise!

Here I am running on the Golden Gate Bridge for fun, not for speed or distance! My 100+ pound weight loss sure makes it easier and fun to exercise!

“What to do, what to do?!”, I keep saying to myself. Giving no effort to my responsibilities isn’t the answer. The answer for now is for me to take a break from the numbers. By this I mean to stop evaluating and determining my success by the scale and my running watch. As I said in a blog post from last year, “The Scale is Not the Be-All and End-All in Weight Loss.” Since I’m struggling right now I think it’s a good time to remind myself of that and also put other numbers aside.

To do this, I’m putting my scale away for a bit. I will need it soon, but now I feel anxious just looking at it. I swear it’s taunting me. It’s going to come alive like one of those “Chucky” dolls any day now. Maybe that’s being a bit melodramatic, but if an inanimate object is starting to control your life, it’s time to step away from it.

Honestly, I really don’t need the scale to tell me I’ve gained weight. By the fit of my clothes I know when I’m up a few pounds. My clothes still fit, but some pieces are a little tighter than others. As long as I can wear them without busting a button or flashing those around me, I know I’m within my weight window. I’d like to blame the dryer on the tightness, but since I do the laundry, I know the clothes haven’t been shrunk.

I also know the scale will show a weight gain when I think about the food I ate over the past few weeks. Eating salty and sweet treats without thinking about it simply means I will gain weight. No ifs, ands or buts (except my increasing butt size) about it. When I eat mindlessly it’s easy to slip into my previous bad habits. I don’t need the scale to see the results of eating poorly: my short (OK, shorter) temper, my exhaustion, my acne spotted face, and my unmotivated attitude are all signs of an unhealthy diet.

Besides the numbers on the scale, my running watch data is causing me stress. Lately, I’ve caught myself looking at my watch more often to see my mileage and pace. I’m not sure why it took me this long to realize it’s distracting me from my runs. If I’m focused on the numbers on my pretty pink Garmin watch, how can I enjoy my run?

I decided to keep wearing my watch as it is helpful to see the data, but only after I’m home. On today’s run I didn’t look at my watch until the end of my run and it was wonderful. Since I wasn’t worrying about my speed or distance, I ran up steps and hills. I even ran halfway over my beloved Golden Gate Bridge just because I wanted the view. I knew my pace would be slow, but I challenged myself in other ways and that was more satisfying than a fast pace.

Now, I’m not saying to throw out your scales and running watches. Actually, numbers are essential, I feel, in evaluating my overall success. I just know that I need a break from the numbers for a bit. Hopefully, just getting back to the basics like mindfully eating and exercising for fun will take some of the pressure off. I hope that when I’m ready to get back on the scale the numbers will be better. If not, it will be time to track my food and add more exercise to my life. I think that stepping back is what I need to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle right now and eventually go back Down the Scale…

Running for the Win

Many changes have happened from my first 5K in 2012 to my first 10K in 2015!

Many changes have happened from my first 5K in 2012 to my first 10K in 2015!

My almost two-year gastric sleeve journey brings so many rewards. Better physical and mental health are the biggest rewards naturally. After completing my first 10K race this weekend, though, I’ve realized the best reward really is the confidence and pride I have in myself. All it took was running 6.2 miles to get this through my thick head.

When I signed up for this race I admit I was a bit cocky. I ran my last 5K race with my best time ever so I figured it was time to push myself. So what if my pace was still pretty slow and that I still walk and run? I found a 10K race set for about two months later. Perfect! I would be ready and confidant.

As the weeks passed, I started to reconsider my decision. My hamstrings and shoes were bothering me. I missed a week of running due to a cold. Excuses, excuses, I know. I got over my cold and went right to the store for new shoes. I was back on track.

Well, until I looked at the race course. I picked this race because it included running over the Golden Gate Bridge, but in my excitement I forgot I would have to go up hills to get to the bridge. Oops. So with two weeks until the race I added hills into my training. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t fast. “I am going to die” kept going through my mind as I stumbled up hills.

While I was nervous up until the race started, I did manage to keep my mantra in mind: “all you have to do is finish.” Before every race my 7-year-old tells me she hopes I win and I always tell her I’m running to finish, not to win. This past Sunday when I said it I realized I actually am trying to win. I’m trying to beat my previous pace, but really I’m trying to beat my doubts, my lack of confidence and my fear of failure.

So, how did the race go? The first quarter-mile was a lovely start and then the first hill appeared. I braced myself to be passed by “real” runners, but it didn’t happen. Yes, some people were running, but others jogged up and some even walked. Woo-hoo, I wasn’t the only runner/walker! It was a huge relief to know I wasn’t alone in my running method.

Before I knew it I made it to the Golden Gate Bridge. My Facebook friends know from my photos that I have a slight obsession with this bridge. It’s beautiful, spectacular and iconic and I can never get enough of it. To run over it and back was the highlight of the race. It was difficult to navigate at times as the walkway isn’t wide, but when I turned my head to take in the view, it took my breath away…more than the running. I couldn’t help but smile as I ran over the bridge. I’ve lived off and on in San Francisco for over 20 years and this was the first time I ever ran on the bridge.

The bridge is 1.7 miles each way and while it was amazing, the crowds, inclines, and staircases made it difficult at times. I am still getting used to confined spaces and the lack of personal space in races. I was bursting with pride when I stepped off the bridge, but self-doubt tried to creep back in. I paused for a second as I realized I had about two more miles to go. As if on cue, my ever-supportive husband texted me. I laughed and regained my confidence as I scanned his text and saw the words “Pull yourself together! What will you do? Is this a question?” It’s from my favorite Pixar character, Edna Mode from The Incredibles. Hearing hearing her voice and thinking of my husband’s support, got me back on track.

Well, until the last mile when my hamstrings ached and I calculated that I wouldn’t make my goal of finishing in 1 hour and 15 minutes. My spirits dipped and I considered just taking it slow, but I was able to brush off the negative attitude and kept going. I couldn’t finish in 1 hour and 15 minutes, but I could make it in 1 hour and 20 minutes and so I did!

Pancakes and beer with a gorgeous view after the race!

Pancakes and beer with a gorgeous view after the race!

Crossing a finish line never felt so good! The pancakes, sausage and beer breakfast afterward was the best meal I’ve had in a long time. I sat down on Crissy Field with my breakfast and new race t-shirt and stared at the bridge. I sipped my beer and smiled as I then and there decided I really had won the race. I pushed aside my doubts. I kept believing in myself. I came out a winner.

Pushing myself out of my 5K comfort zone into a 10K unknown experience was just what I needed for my continuing weight loss journey. While I’m all for comfort and stability, I know that I need challenges and goals to keep motivated and inspired. While I’m learning to enjoy where I am in my life, I know that I need to push my boundaries and limits from time to time.

I’ve also come to realize that disappointments and failures will come along with the successes. While at times I think of my slower pace and my run/walk style as failures, deep down I know they aren’t failures. Change and growth aren’t always comfortable, but for me they are well worth it. If you told me 3 years and 100+ pounds ago, I would run in a 10K race over my beloved bridge, I would have laughed and said, “Oh, no, not me.” But here I am the winner of my own personal race. Now, that is winning, isn’t it?

So this is Middle Age?

Yes, I'm a middle-aged woman!  At 46, I'm in the best shape of my life!  My weight loss journey keeps getting better and better.

Yes, I’m a middle-aged woman! At 46, I’m in the best shape of my life! My weight loss journey keeps getting better and better.

Happy birthday to me! Last week I celebrated my 46th birthday. Yes, I did say celebrate. I’m proud to be 46 which I guess would be considered to be middle-aged. What does it mean to be middle-aged? For me it means:

*Being in the best shape of my life! Losing 100+ pounds means I am in great health. I don’t have high blood pressure any longer and I’m not pre-diabetic. I am rarely sick and my last doctor visits have all been check-ups with good results.

*Being physically active! If you told me two years ago that I would be a middle-aged runner, I would have asked what you were smoking. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself running and entering races.

*Being able to keep up with my kids! I had my children at what the medical profession calls “an advanced maternal age”, so I originally had the mindset that I would be on the sidelines watching my kids. Wrong! I love walking and hiking with my family. I am thrilled and proud that I now model healthy living for my children.

*Being a priority is OK! I used to think that my needs and desires needed to be last in order to be a good person. I felt I should say yes to all requests and maintain relationships even if they weren’t healthy. Finally, I realized that to be the healthiest and happiest person, I need to make myself a priority. Taking care of myself, makes me a better mother, wife, friend and person.

*Being unsure is OK, too! When I was in college, I was terrified of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. That fear was pointless as I now proudly say that my life is turning out pretty well! Even in my younger years when I didn’t know what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be, I managed to figure it out. Now that I’m middle-aged I’ve realized life is always changing and that it actually is a good thing. I’ve realized that I’m the type of person who actually thrives on changes and new goals. It makes me stronger and that is actually a positive and not a negative!

So, for me, middle-age is a gift. It doesn’t mean being old or being settled or being stagnant. It’s given me an incredible gift of looking back at the first half of my life and realizing it’s been pretty good! Sure I’ve had heartbreak, challenges and pain, but I’ve learned from all that. I’m sure I’ll repeat some of it again, too. And that’s just fine with me. I see how I can face challenges and continue to grow into the person I want to be…for now at least. I know that Jen, the middle-aged woman, will continue to change as the years go by. I look forward to seeing where I go in the next 46 years!